Guilt

Sometimes mental health and overall wellbeing cost me more than me things.  I’m in a loving, caring, wonderful relationship.  Unfortunately that means that my partner gets to brave storms with me, bear witness to my pain, help me, guide me, and occasionally take damage from the crazy that flows out of poor broken brain.

Most of my life I’ve been plagued by a sense of deep, insurmountable guilt.  I needlessly apologize for things that aren’t my fault and that I can’t control because I the deep feelings of guilt cause a panic to well up inside of me and I’m pretty sure I’m the worst person alive.

I hate hurting loved ones.  I hate that my baggage, my drama, my past, my pain can do so much damage to other people.  I argue with myself about what’s “too much” for someone to handle and have pulled the plug on various interactions between different alters and real world people.

I wish that “sorry” had more oomph behind it.  I wish it actually meant more than acknowledgement of wrong doing.  I wish…

I wish I’d never been sexually abused as a child. I wish I didn’t care that I was.

Lil Sis has super powers of integration. She absorbed Wish last night.  It was determined that while Wish was special, different from other fragments – an advanced fragment, she was not able to maintain strong enough ties to reality.  Her refusal to sleep was doing detriment to the entire system and she was forgetting things unless constantly reminded.  Initially she appeared to absorb new information but over time it would be lost.  Essentially, new information about our present life just wouldn’t stick.  So while she was an advanced fragment, she was still a fragment.

Wish was an echo, a shadow of a previous face person alter who was killed when we were raped at 11.  She was a ghost of a dead personality and still retained a sense of self, which is not common fragment behavior.  She knew bits and pieces of her life before abuse but it was muddled and confused.

One of the most distressing things is Wish’s general interaction with Lecherous Fuck.  Once Wish’s echo was created she no longer responded to our external given name, only responding to her internal name of Wish.  This man was made aware of our dissociation early on, but did that stop him?  No.  Not at all.  Not even when he crushed us beneath him and ruined my back for life.

Yes, I remember now how I hurt my back.  He was huge, so much bigger than me.  A heavy man with lots of girth.  I remember feeling something go wrong in my back… afterwards lying helpless on the bed after he left, in intense pain.  The next morning I could barely walk, screaming in pain with each step.  The doctors didn’t find anything on the x-rays… told me it was musclar.  That I was fat.  I know now that the injury was so slight and very easy to miss on an x-ray.  No one believed my pain was legit.  My mother kept me drugged on lots of ibuprofen and tramadol (which I now know can cause crippling anxiety and depression) for years.

Even after Lil Sis absorbing Wish, after all of it… I still don’t remember crying that first time.

Maybe I never will.

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