I wrote my mom about the animal hoarding and abuse.  I didn’t use those terms.  I used “I” statements.  I tried to reach her emotionally.  Fucking email got sent before I was finished so I had to just keep typing before I was done and had to send a second part.  Because of that error, the writing is very raw.  I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I feel like I might have a panic attack now though.


I still have flashbacks about the animals.  Especially when I felt like I was doing more harm than good.  Neutering male cats by shoving their head into a boot and using promethazine injection which made them drowsy/drunk and did not actually knock them out.  Pulling a dead, rotting dog carcass out from under the house in Beeville and then subsequently disposing it in a dumpster.  The endless grave digging in kaleche clay, with a freezer sometimes full of dead kittens.  The horrible, incurable diarrhea and upper respiratory infection that was a plague to the entire population.  Recurring ringworm infection.  Fleas.  Ticks.  Walking out into the garage without pants on would cause fleas to jump all over your legs.  The stink of bleach mixed with urine.  The piles of cat filth in every corner and along all the walls, in the hallways.  Finding diarrhea on my clothes that were inside a closed dresser drawer.

We told the Petsmart clerks that we had shelter cats. That what we purchased was for shelter cats.  Many of the cats were sick, with feline leukemia or diarrhea or the upper respiratory infection.  There was only two of us and over a hundred of them.  I remember making lists, charts with all their names, keeping track of the medicine we had to give them, usually for at least a week at a time.  The hours and hours we spent feeding, watering, and cleaning up after them day after day after day.
You teased me about wanting a mop, I just didn’t want to walk on filth.
It wasn’t ok.  I tried to help you.  I did what I could.  It was all too much.
Things were never the same with you when we moved back to Purgatory from Rainland.  I remember you saying that we had a chance to start over in Snowville but Sister and I wanted to move back to Purgatory.  I remember you were sad a lot.  I remember that’s when you started getting more and more animals. And then grandpa died and that fucked up side of the family made everything so much worse.

I love you.  And I was scared a lot.  And I just wanted to help you.  And I wanted you to be happy because you were unhappy so often.

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