Gaslighting and I

Unfamiliar with gaslighting?  It’s this type of mental abuse that I believe has had some of the most devastating psychological effects on my person.  It’s why having proof of events is important to me. It’s why I maintain certain relationships with people from my past so that I can occasionally point to them and say “Look!  Ask them!  They can verify that I’m not a liar/crazy/attention seeking!”

If you asked my friends now, they could tell you that I am often preoccupied with how I can prove that something happened to me. Or with my partner, I tend to cave during arguments because I’m used to being wrong. It actually takes a lot for me to not want to back down. I’m all about compromise and will often concede a point if I don’t have the energy to stand up for myself.

I’m still learning how to do that without being extremely triggered in the process.

I got news today that GI doc didn’t find anything growing inside me that shouldn’t be and that they wanted to do a colonoscopy.  That sent me into a frenzy of panic and crazy.  Let me explain. As a survivor, invasive procedures like that are extremely triggering. I had a colonoscopy/endoscopy once. The drugs they give you are not anesthesia, they give you a drug that just makes you forget everything that’s happening.  It left me with the body memory of being raped again and no context.

The crazy spiral had me hiding under blankets, talking in circles that of course they didn’t find anything because I have fibromyalgia which isn’t real either and I’m probably just crazy and nothing is real, etc. The thing is, when I say “nothing is real” I mean it. I’m being dead serious.  I’m pretty sure I’ve somehow managed to fabricate my entire life and every single memory I’ve ever had because I’ve been accused of that by the people who broke my brain.

Tell a child you care for that they are always wrong/misremembering/incorrect/invalid/etc at any interaction that they question and they will end up like me too.  Give them specific stories they are allowed to talk about outside the house and forbid them from mentioning anything being amiss inside the house at any point.  You will break their brain.  You don’t want that. Don’t do that to anyone. Ever.

It’s a dark place to be thrown into first thing in the morning.  Oh well. That’s my crazy.  I’m still sick. Had a flare up last night and woke up super sore.  After declining the colonoscopy I made an appointment with a naturopath.  I needed a new PCP anyway, and I’ve had shit luck with regular GPs so hopefully someone more openminded like a naturopath will help me.

Thing is, I still can’t shake the taint of unreality that haunts me everywhere I go.  I know that’s crazy-making, but look- I didn’t do it to myself. It was given to me.  I’m learning how to rid myself of it and maybe in five years or so I will feel less unreal when triggered, but for now it brings back all the uncertainty and sense of unreality that has plagued my life and sense of self since childhood.


One thought on “Gaslighting and I

  1. I am familiar with the mask of normalcy. It still hangs over my father’s doorstep to this day.

    You, and all you experience/d are real. No doubt about it.


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