There’s Things We’ve Done That We’re Not Proud Of

Hi support network, Sparky here.  I’m not quite sure how to begin this, just that I’m going to attempt to explain some things from my perspective during a time where I was basically cut off from Kitty-kitty completely.  ‘

Post breakup with ex-husband we were extremely depressed and our abusive partner at the time gave us the ultimatum of go take psych meds or she’d leave.  Kitty-kitty was terrified of being alone, ever since surviving isolation in Hell.  Against my better judgement, she went to the doctor and took the drugs.

I faught them as long as I could.  I pleaded with her to listen to us, to get rid of the abuser.  She kept telling me I wasn’t real.  Valkyrie was no help either.  Valkyrie was in deep grieving over the loss of her relationship with ex-husband.  She took it harder than the rest of us. I knew our relationship was on it’s way out and he and I had never been in love anyway.

Valkyrie was unreachable for over a year.  She was ready to die.  In the meantime, I would spend days isolated in nothingness.  I’m not sure how it affected the others.  I managed to occasionally get through to Mr. Demon after awhile.  He was the only one wholy unaffected.

That was a bad thing.  Mr. Demon was manipulative and had low self esteem.  He’s better now and uses his powers of diplomacy for good as opposed for self destructive purposes.  He did things that we all must take responsibility for.

There was a woman who Kitty-kitty and Mr. Demon fooled around with when we weren’t exclusively dating Abuser.  We did believe that we were supposed to give sex to anyone who showed us a modicrum of affection.  But that’s no excuse.  This woman had always had a crush on us and even though we stated what we were doing was nothing serious, it was irresponsible of us to toy with her emotions like that.

We so desparately wanted someone to love us and care about us. We were 22 and lost.  Kitty-kitty doesn’t actually agree that her behaviour was manipulative.  So we disagree. It happens.  But we were. I’ve reviewed all the information I have from her and Mr. Demon’s perspectives at the time.

I’m not giving Kitty-kitty a free pass because we are all responsible, but Mr. Demon did orchestrate the majority of the interactions.  Kitty-kitty was not usually aware because the drugs made it much easier for Mr. Demon to assume control without her noticing.

I would tell her when I knew she could hear me that she was poisoning herself.  She listened to me for over a year and did nothing.  Days… days lost to nothingness.  It was terrible.  No dreams, just nightmares.  Then just nothing. Disjointed information coming through at odd times.  Timelines not making sense. When I finally peiced them together something else terrible had usually happened.

We were a trainwreck and I was powerless to do anything to fix it.  That’s my job right? To fix things like that. To recognize the patterns and adjust our behaviour as needed for optimal performance. BUT I COULDN’T DO MY JOB.  And sometimes I still can’t.  Like when she arbitrarily decides we don’t exist for whatever reason she’s come up with.  I don’t know how to convince her that I’m as real as she’ll ever be.  And what gives her the right to be more real than the rest of us?

People have dreams and no one argues about them existing as a thing that happens inside your mind.  Why do I have to prove that I’m real?  It’s completely unfair.

Any way, that’s mostly what I have to say. We’re trying to work through some flashbacks that have been plaguing us lately and I decided that a new perspective was necessary.

-Sparky

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