Being Mentally Ill

Brain is going 400 mph and everything seems terrible and huge under the microscope and then BAM maybe I should go do this thing I said I was going to do then BAM choices! Options! All of them! People are talking, rain is raining!

What kind of a face am I making? Are my clothes resting perfectly against my frame? Should I lose 20lbs like I keep thinking I’ve needed to for 10 years? It’s always the same, whatever weight I’m at I’m pretty sure I need to be exactly 20 lbs lighter.  Weight is easy to focus on, we’ll focus on that. Body image issues. I feel rather ugly without my tattoos. They keep me grounded in the body. Otherwise I think I would just float away.

And fuck everything hurts today too and I wish that I was brave enough to go to the grocery store but alas the universe had other plans for my brain and perceptions of reality today.  I will be in therapy forever. And ever and ever.  Yaaaaaaay.

I hate everything right now.  Except my cat. He’s the best cat. He has been surrogate fur baby and trauma healing kitty.  I pour all the love and affection into him to try and make up for all the horrors I witnessed or partook in as a child.  I can’t go back, but I can move forward with love and compassion and be an advocate for animal rights in a healthy way, not a crazed psycho animal hoarding way.  I do not need 150 cats. I don’t need more than 2 cats. I don’t feel some strange compulsion to open my home to over 100 cats and feed my child potatoes, rice, and ramen.

No, I don’t do those things.

I am afraid of becoming her. I feel madness bubbling in the back of my mind.  I’m going to lose a day to being crazy. Go me.

Well, the doctor told me to cut my activity in half and that would help the mania.  How crazy are you if you realize how crazy you are?  Then you’re just mentally ill. It’s like w/ fibro… it’s like you become LEGIT sick once you get the diagnosis, before that all bets are off.

Whew, that was close. Narrowly avoided can o’ worms thought train.  It can get ugly sometimes, just trying to tease out all the different opinions floating around. Being the face person is like being President.  I get a say, but I’m more of a figurehead and have limited power.

I like listening to Lorde, she’s so chill.  I try to listen to chill music a lot to promote a tranquil mood.  Music also keeps me grounded and present.  Staying present is a daily challenge.  If I can find that balance I don’t really have anxiety or stress about much of anything because then I can accept each moment as it happens and builds on the next one.  It’s much easier and a calmer place for me to be.  Unfortunately I usually need to be a little  high to get there as well, but I try to take those moments with me and recreate them when I’m sober.  It’s harder, but I don’t hate myself as much for the things I haven’t done or should be doing.

Sometimes all we can do is cry and wait for things to settle back down.

Sometimes plans change. And it’s ok.


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