I spend a lot of time in a place I’m going to call Unreality. I live and pay taxes in Weird, but every now and then I venture beyond Weird into Unreality. I don’t know why I do this. I do all sorts of things to stay out of Unreality. I take magic beans (pills), I do daily rituals (yoga), I chant spells (affirmations) to keep myself present, grounded, physically and emotionally healthy.
I think sometimes Reality just cracks underneath me and I fall through to the Other Side AKA Unreality. I mean, that’s what Depression and Mania feel like for me. My perspective and reality are defined by my experience and understanding of the thoughts and emotions I’m having at the time. Some magic beans are so powerful they narrow your spectrum so severely you can’t experience emotion in the present anymore. This is an unpleasant experience for me which caused severe safety consequences as a result in my early twenties. I still struggle with accepting I need to be on some form of mood medication. I recently admitted to a few close friends that I had been taking my anxiety medication when I was hungry but didn’t want to eat so I’d take that instead b/c then I couldn’t tell I was hungry and also didn’t care. This was very unhealthy for me to do and now Mr. Demon is in charge of the anxiety bean.
I lost my anxiety bean priviledges to an alter who used to encourage me to binge drink. It’s a weird life.
Unreality is a lovely shade of slate today with a hint of blue kissing the corners. I’ve told a few persons before that if you could look in my brain it would look like an animated movie.
My hormones are in flux. I don’t know how I feel about this as my emotions feel erratic to me. My biggest worry is when I react strongly to these emotions because I do not feel that my behavior is consistent right now. I guess I’m still afraid of expressing too much emotion even though I do all the time. It’s the same with chronic pain. I feel like eventually I will reach my bitching about pain quota.
We are resting today. This is good because I pushed myself hard this week and ended up staying late Thur instead of leaving early like I’m supposed to. I also did take a day of rest last weekend. I’ve been stemming a full blown flare up for a few days. Ugh.
Anyway, I’m crawling out of my depression slowly but I’m still in Unreality. It’s not a great place for anyone to be really. Maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s pain, maybe it’s my trauma, maybe it’s the mental illnesses – who fucking knows? There are lots of people who love me and know when I need a hug. Or if I decide I’m just going to stand next to you silently and lean, I have friends who will let me lean on them. Sometimes I just watch what’s going on.
In therapy today I talked about food issues. I told her about the anxiety medication. I talked about in the peak of mother’s crazy while I lived with her in isolation it was cat needs, mother’s needs, then my needs. The times my mom would take the hamburger or tuna or whatever helper meal that was prepared and meant to last the week for both of us, have a few bites then feed the rest to the hoard of cats. I talked about the slim fast drinks, my mom telling I should get a breast reduction when my body was just starting to develop. I talked about my grandfather asking me if I was going to become obese like the people in the article on the front page of the local paper. I talked about my mom asking me if I was binge eating when I was between 10-12. Maybe I was, though I mostly remember being hungry. My therapist said if I’d been a boy it would have been viewed as a non issue. I still remember my sister being surprised to learn I had food issues as an adult since I hadn’t starved myself like she had as a child. I remember my mom standing at her closet telling me she gained weight when she was happy and lost weight when she was depressed. Having it constantly pointed out to me that I was bigger and heavier than my older sister. And kids at school are just cruel in Jr High and High School.
I do not feel like this is new information for me, more that it’s an old wound that hasn’t healed right. I’m on hormone therapy now b/c my doctor found something wrong with me that they can treat – HORMONES. My body basically stopped producing progesterone which led to androgen and estrogen dominance. I’m taking stuff to lower my testosterone now, as well as boost my progesterone and half the month I take actual progesterone. This is my first month of hormone treatment and it’s triggered depression/hypomania. Also attempting diet change for faster recovering from fibro/progesterone deficiency triggered a cascade of old food issues that I thought I’d dealt with pretty well. Apparently not.
Words are what I have today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.