I doubt at any point in the near future I will get the chance to speak with you again and your decision to quit speaking to me before I quit was quite clear.
First, I regret the loss of our friendship. It was a small shop and you and I had a camaraderie that I hadn’t experienced in other working environments before. You were kind and compassionate towards me and I always strove to be that way towards you. I’m proud of you for trying to cook more and I hope you keep trying to improve your diet. I worried about you eating enough and cringed a little whenever you would talk about how fat you were. Your own eating disorder reflected mine back at me and helped me realize how unhealthy it really was.
I miss our talks about everything from philosophy to politics to relationships to bra shopping. I appreciated that you felt safe enough with me to come to me for advice about personal issues. I appreciated that you listened when I needed to talk to someone as well.
In telling my experience of Vegas to ex-boss I had to violate your trust and for that I apologize. He didn’t take my words well and I have no idea how he decided to spin them when he told them to you because in my conversation with him he was already rewording what I had said and accusing me of not listening to him.
It is unfortunate.
When I talked to you before talking to ex-boss, you told me you couldn’t believe that someone would intentionally hurt you. That Vegas Hookup wasn’t the first guy to hurt you in that way before and you just shrugged it off.
This is also unfortunate and rather sad.
Five years ago I might have shrugged it off too. Sometimes you get hurt, sometimes people are just kind of awful but you deal with it and move on. Except what does that actually mean? And how do you prevent it from happening again? Why has this happened to you more than once?
I can’t answer those questions for you. I’m at a different stage in my journey than you. I said something to ex-boss because some secrets need to be told. Some things need to see the light of day. If we continue to refuse to talk about them and hide behind closed doors nothing will ever change.
I don’t care that you decided to have a hookup with ex-boss’ friend. I care that the sexual encounter you agreed to was violated and that you asked him to stop three times before he did. I care that you came back to our room in tears. I care that you were in pain that would last until your body healed itself from the tears he left inside you. I care that you were afraid to tell anyone what happened and that you didn’t trust ex-boss to be sympathetic to what happened to you. I care that this turned out to not be the first time this happened to you. I care.
It cost me my job.
I don’t regret leaving. I don’t regret being as honest with ex-boss as I was able, even if he didn’t hear me. I won’t work in a place every day that’s full of those kinds of dark secrets and fear. I spent the first 16 years of my life that way and I’m not going back to that for anyone’s sake.
I’m sorry my honesty cost you pain. I myself am not immune to the aftermath of my decisions. I had loved my job, my clients, getting to learn with different artists and a supportive environment. We had inspired and learned from each other and for that I will always be grateful.
It wasn’t all peaches and cream, but the things that weren’t copacetic were much easier to ignore before harsh reality struck. What can I say, I’m very patient and I have a long fuse but eventually there’s a point where I won’t accept the bullshit anymore.
Never let someone believe they can buy you. You’re worth more than any material sum. I think in our line of work it’s easy to fall into that trap because of the services we offer. Don’t fall for it.
It is my hope that your loyalty to ex-boss doesn’t cost you further but my fear is that it will. I will send out hope for you. I hope you will be safe from now on. I hope you will be protected. I hope that he will treat you even better than he already does from here on out. I hope you achieve all your dreams. I hope for you.
It’s what I can do.
I’ll miss you.