I woke up like this

My day started like any other. I rolled over and hugged my snuggle buddy and tried to cling to the brief bits of sleep that remained. Eventually I gave in to consciousness and fed the cats who were pretty sure I was trying to starve them anyway. I winced and complained about my back pain which has been brutal since moving into our house last week.

Yoga was next, followed by granola and almond milk for breakfast. Then it was time to do things. Somewhere between breakfast and placing posters into picture frames I lost the ability to look people in the eye or respond to social situations in a manner that I deemed rational for myself.

I feel more wiped out and drained than I did before going to bed last night. I want to unpack all the boxes and make everything pretty and awesome but I am also feeling a bit stuck in my own head. I also want to nap but I’m afraid to nap. It’s hard to sleep. Nightmares.

My anxiety oscillates between very high and crippling to a dull murmur that I can easily ignore.

Did I tell you I’ve decided to accept Robit’s job offer of Homemaker?  It may not be forever, but it’s for now. I don’t know who I am or what I want to do. I feel very lost. I am disconnected from my art and I yearn to reclaim it as a place of solace.

I am integrated currently. It is a difficult today. I feel patterns that I am trying so hard to undo mercilessly work their way back into me. I want to cry and hide and mostly feel completely overwhelmed. Today I am a ball of feels.

It is food time now.

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