I’m still a spoonie

After the first few months on progesterone therapy, I secretly thought to myself that maybe I was cured of fibromyalgia as long as I took the drops religiously and maintained good eating and exercise habits.  The bulk of fibro symptoms stopped, including the full body skin burning chronic pain and muscle spasms after the first month of treatment.

It’s been one hell of a summer.  At the end of May I got a case of strep that festered in my tonsils and stayed there for about 2 months.  I ended up doing 3 different rounds of antibiotics and it would bounce back each time.  The first time I saw the ENT he decided to drain the abscessed right tonsil and call it a day.  I made it almost 2 weeks before I had to go back with severely inflamed tonsils again.  I spent another week on antibiotics and despite this my tonsils were still actively infected when they were removed.  It was 7-10 days to recover from surgery and I was only on pain medication half the time.

In the middle of being sick most of the summer, my personal life was under strain as our newly formed five person polycule  spent considerable time in the “Storming” phase of small group formation. I had a lot of “You’re great but this is fucking hard” moments. Eventually we worked it out, even got consensus training and anyone who was previously not in counseling ended up with a therapist b/c polyamory has a way of bringing all your shortcomings to light.  I suppose there’s a nicer way to say that but the only alternative I can think of is that it forces you to deal with your shit and if you haven’t dealt with it you will make everyone else miserable, so go deal with it.

Also we decided to move. NEVER AGAIN. Except after the remodel, but it’s still the same house so it doesn’t count.

By the time we got to August, after being sick all summer and personal life drama, I was back in a state of chronic stress. I had my first flare up since starting progesterone drops well before moving day even occurred. I called my girlfriend in the morning after having muscle spasms again and cried. My body hurt, my skin hurt.  I had wanted to be done with fibro symptoms and I let myself believe and hope that maybe I was as long as I took progesterone.

It’s been over a week on the last round of progesterone now. The fibro symptoms diminished, but this morning I woke up and they had returned. I did a lot yesterday and I’m going to have to start treating myself like a spoonie again.  And that’s ok.  My body needs to heal from this summer and this move.  If I keep pushing it I’ll continue to feel awful.

Progesterone is a treatment, not a cure. It helps some things, but it can’t fix it all. I think of it like it puts my fibro into remission.  Because of progesterone I don’t have to use marijuana anymore which is awesome. I also seem to be better at regulating my body temperature so no heat exhaustion this summer and hopefully no hypothermia this winter!

I’m still a spoonie, but I got some spoons back which means for a general day to day I don’t have to constantly monitor every second of physical activity I do or count the minutes and weigh what it will cost me in energy.  I don’t have to always have my eye on the flare up meter. Yoga is not a form of nightly self torture anymore. However, I can’t pretend that I don’t have a limit and if I exceed that limit I will suffer.  Sometimes it is worth it. Sometimes I just do the best I can.  Like today.

Today I will do the best I can and hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.

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