My last post was a year ago. Robot and I have moved. Again. This time to our own house on a gorgeous property. I love this house. I feel safe and at home. I joke that it’s a convalescent home, so perfect for me!
I lost one of my best friends. I still think about her sometimes. I try not to. I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt. I don’t regret the choice I made to end that relationship but I can’t pretend cutting off contact was everything I ever wanted. I needed the bullshit to stop. I needed the lies to stop. I needed the fakeness and passive aggressive mind fuckery to stop.
I had a nervous breakdown at the end of February this year. For about a month I was unwell. I’m prone to them, it actually takes a lot to get me to that point but once I’m there – watch out! I would spend days hiding in my closet. I couldn’t handle the sounds of doors or cupboards shutting, they all sounded like slamming and banging and loud, aggressive noise. I was frightened and on edge and prepared for the worst. Friends kept me safe and saner than I would have been. Robot did his best, even when I frightened him.
We’re out of that situation now. Things are stable. Life is better.
I feel dead inside. I’ve been unable to cry since I started up psych meds again. Depression has me. All I want to do is sleep. I’ve processed a lot of the emotional trauma from the last year and I think I’ll always be somewhat bewildered about it.
I have a small business now. It’s kind of cool. And scary. But cool.
I think that “the grass is always greener” only works for some people some of the time as a useful analogy. To get a more encompassing, helpful view of circumstances I think that the grass is always growing does the trick.
The grass is always growing and so too am I.