The grass is always growing

My last post was a year ago.  Robot and I have moved. Again. This time to our own house on a gorgeous property.  I love this house. I feel safe and at home. I joke that it’s a convalescent home, so perfect for me!

I lost one of my best friends.  I still think about her sometimes. I try not to. I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt.  I don’t regret the choice I made to end that relationship but I can’t pretend cutting off contact was everything I ever wanted. I needed the bullshit to stop. I needed the lies to stop. I needed the fakeness and passive aggressive mind fuckery to stop.

I had a nervous breakdown at the end of February this year. For about a month I was unwell.  I’m prone to them, it actually takes a lot to get me to that point but once I’m there – watch out!  I would spend days hiding in my closet. I couldn’t handle the sounds of doors or cupboards shutting, they all sounded like slamming and banging and loud, aggressive noise.  I was frightened and on edge and prepared for the worst.  Friends kept me safe and saner than I would have been. Robot did his best, even when I frightened him.

We’re out of that situation now. Things are stable. Life is better.

I feel dead inside.  I’ve been unable to cry since I started up psych meds again.  Depression has me.  All I want to do is sleep.  I’ve processed a lot of the emotional trauma from the last year and I think I’ll always be somewhat bewildered about it.

I have a small business now. It’s kind of cool. And scary. But cool.

I think that “the grass is always greener” only works for some people some of the time as a useful analogy. To get a more encompassing, helpful view of circumstances I think that the grass is always growing does the trick.

The grass is always growing and so too am I.

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